The start, the middle, the End.

I’m going to believe that you are a good person and that you have good intentions. I’m going to believe that everything you said was true. 좋은 사람이라고 믿을거야. 당신이 나를 사랑했던 시간들만 생각할거야.. 무슨 이유가 있겠지… 괜찮을거야… 나는 잘 할수있겠지? 또 다시 오빠 없이 잘 살수있겠지? 시간이 지나면 괜찮아… 시간만 피려해. 마음이 너무 아파… 죽을만큼 아파… 보고싶고… 아직도 사랑하고… 생각나고… 재일 후회하는게… 마직막으로 사랑한다고 말을 못했어. 미안해… 끝가지 못 기달여서… 끝가지 잘 못해줘서.. 미안해…..잘 사라 오빠… 꼭 행복해야해…

사랄해. 영원히.

추억

Dear ____,

It’s been five years and yet it seems like yesterday. It’s weird that I’m here in this situation because I told myself that I would never allow myself to be in this situation ever again— specifically with you. Yet, here I am pining away at the memories that I had and lost of you. It’s weird because during those five years, I didn’t think one thought of you and now suddenly out of nowhere you appear in front of me. I keep asking myself why I keep fighting myself over something that was so misleading, but in the end, I know deep down that there was a chance of success and maybe it was my fault and let it slip away from me. I was just too young to realize it. I think time was not on our side. Who is to say that time is on our side now. I honestly don’t know if I keep trying because I want what we had back or because I miss the idea of being in a relationship or because I truly loved you and still do love you. I guess for now, time is not on my side because all I can do is wait. I really hope that you will answer me and that you will reply. Perhaps, you have moved on with your life and are happy. In that case, I will be happy for you. I think all I want is just to hear your voice again—. Perhaps I need closure from you, from us. Nevertheless, one thing is for sure… I miss you. I just want to be able to explain to you and also to ask you… Why?

How do I end this?

I hope I don’t have to write my own ending.

Love,

yy

To my brother…

Dear Peter oppa,

You don’t know me. I don’t know you. However, one thing that I do know is that you’re my half brother. You may say that you don’t have a father and if I were in your shoes, I would have never forgiven Dad. But, one thing is for sure that a father has only his son and nothing else. For years, I hated you because you were his pride, his joy, and yet you were nowhere to be seen. I tried so hard to be someone that I could never be— my father’s equivalent to a son. Whenever he talked about you, his eyes light up and emotions could be seen. For four years, I never spoke to my father. The most we would say is hello to one another. It hurt so much to grow up seeing my friend’s have fathers that were affectionate and loving. But after growing up and realizing that Dad is just that way because of the way he was raised, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He just doesn’t know how to show his emotions and the way he tries to show emotions is very subtle and unnoticed. You have to understand that Dad really wanted to find you and to be your father, but the circumstances were not right and very difficult. I may be biased when I say this because of course, he is my father and he raised me, but when he talks about you, I can just tell that he loves you very much. He is very proud of you. That’s something that I wanted to hear from his mouth for the longest time… that he was proud of me. You got so much from Dad without even having to try and without even having to be here. You don’t know this, but your dad tried finding you. He did find you and he keeps finding you. I know secretly inside that he’s hurting because he has you right in front of his eyes (thanks to the internet) and yet he can’t talk to you, see you, or tell you that he’s proud. As a parent, it probably hurts so much more than death itself. You may not care, you may not acknowledge that hes your father, but I just want you to know that he thinks of you as his son no matter what. He still has the email that you sent him. He still tries to hang on to every memory that he has of you. So, I ask of you, as your younger sister and his daughter, to see past all these misfortunes and heartaches to even just say hello to him and to see how he’s doing. He will always be your father and you can’t hide that no matter how hard you try. You have half of his genes and his blood inside of you. Sooner or later, you won’t even get that chance.

Sincerely,

Your dongseng.

I need the power and the will to fight against myself, my worst enemy.